Equilibrium

As a medic, our curriculum is divided into several components, teaching a broad range of medical topics. This term, I am taking: Histology, Anatomy, Pathology, Cancer Biology,Medical Ethics, Whole Person Care, Genetic Technology, Pharmacology, Epidemiology, and also undertaking my GP placement. Although reading so many subjects sounds a daunting prospect, I enjoy the variety they provide. However, this does make the workload feel somewhat intense; my current workload for the next week or so is:

• Epidemiology coursework - appx 6 hours
• Pathology notes - appx 4 hours
• Genetic Technology notes - appx 2 hours
• Pharmacology notes - appx 2 hours
• Ethics notes and further reading -appx 3 hours
• GP placement reading and case notes - appx 1.5 hours.
• Anatomy notes -appx 4 hours

This list will, of course, be added to every time I have a lecture, when I will have to add those notes to the list. The current workload will take approximately take around 23 hours, in addition to my attendance at lectures. Although we medics try to enjoy ourselves, the course is no picnic, even in the first year. While I will endeavour to get most of the work done over the coming weekend, I know that the backlog will only increase during the term.

A workload of this magnitude cannot help but affect my relationships with others around me: I see far less of my friends than I would like, but it is a sacrifice that has to be made. Similarly, it also affects the relationships I have with the people I care for most, namely my with my family and Himself. Surprisingly, the day-to-day relationship I have with my mother has actually improved; presumably because I am not 'constantly underfoot,' as she would put it, and messing up the house. However, I know she worries far more because she sees less of me. I don't get to see Himself anywhere near as much as I would like; I wanted to see him this coming weekend, but my workload prevents it. Thankfully he's an understandng guy, but I won't pretend that it isn't difficult on both of us sometimes. The course will, hopefully, teach me to strike the optimum balance between my personal and professional life, enabling me to perform the the best of my abilities while appreciating the times I am not working; however, this ideal equilibrium often remains elusive.

I assume that it is because I am a medic that causes people to believe I can fix all problems. Certainly we are supposed to demonstrate a level head during a crisis, but my flatmates persist in beliving that my function is to solve their difficulties. However, while I find it time-consuming and frustrating to have to run around after people who really should know better, I also know that I would be saddened, and perhaps even hurt if they felt they could not ask for my assistance, and am scintilated by my involvement in their lives. It would be fair to say that I, and perhaps others in this profession, are driven by a 'Messiah Complex;' a deep need to 'save' people. While I believe that to some extent that this is a healthy thing (indeed - I do not even wish to contemplate the possiblilty of doctors who do not wish to save their patients), I am concerned that this desire, this need, if you will, is inextricably linked to my self-esteem. What will happen to me what I encounter a patient who cannot be saved?