This will be the final week of lectures for the year; I can't believe how quickly it's gone. Of course, there are exams to go, obviously (there are always more exams), but it still feels like yesterday that I was walking into the medical school for the first time. I remember it so vividly; I was listening to The Fray's 'How to Save a Life,' on my iPOD, and felt my eyes welling up with tears as I walked in, feeling like I had reached the end of a long and difficult journey... only to realise I had walked into the engineering building by mistake, prompting one swift about face and two red cheeks.

While I'm amazed at how much I've learned in one meagre academic year, this year has really served to show me how great my ignorance is. I can see now why medics and doctors are constantly being examined - it is such a vast subject which is constantly evolving and changing, and ignorance is not acceptable. It is a huge responsibility and I am only just beginning to realise the necessity of keeping it highly regulated.

As I suspected, I will have one resit in July, although thankfully it is for a subject that I didn't really study for in the holiday; there are lots of people on my year who failed exams that they worked very hard for, and I think that must be so much worse. While initially I was absolutely gutted to have failed an exam, I am also learning to give myself a break; my background in English, not science, and I hadn't done any for five years when I began the course. I managed to pass all of my science-based exams, when many of my peers didn't; for me, that is still a great achievement, and I should feel proud of what I have accomplished.

I still feel like a fraud here, and even if I pass my resit and make it back for next year I suspect I still will; however, I think I will try to enjoy the ride a little more from now on; after all, there's still four years to go...

The Waiting Game

The exams are done; I am about 99.8% sure that I failed at least one of them, but I won't find out if this is actually the case until the end of May. This is unfortunate for my sanity, as I'm finding it very difficult to stop worrying about it and focus on the task at hand. To further add to my concerns, I managed to wheedle out of the office staff that 16 people so far have failed this particular exam, so my fears are only exacerbated. For every exam failed, we are allowed one resit, and that is all; after that, we're out.

We have already begun learning the new material; it is much more clinically focussed than what we were learning before the exam, but unfortunately it is much more difficult. The cardiovascular system is a truly fascinating one, but much more complex than basic metabolism. My new lecturer is totally amazing, though, and makes all of his lectures absolutely fascinating; I am much more inclined to get up in the mornings, knowing he is going to be instructing me!

The pressure of the new work, combined with the anxiety of the imminent exams results have led me to the discovery that actually, despite being a mature student, I am not coping very well with the stress, and it is affecting me in ways which I never thought it would. I am much more abrupt that usual, and far more irritable. For example, as I write this, I am irrationally angry that my lecturers do not use full sentences in their notes, so I am forced to re-write everything. It is a terrible thing to reach the age of 24 and realise that you have no idea how to handle stress.